Fear of a Brown Planet: An Open Letter to Prince Harry
Australian stand-up comics Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain, who performed a hit show together at last year's Edinburgh Festival called Fear Of A Brown Planet, are preparing to set off on their first ever UK tour this Autumn. Here Aamer (pictured grabbing at that plane) writes an open letter to Prince Harry:
Dear Prince Harry,
My name is Aamer, and I'm coming to the UK with my friend Nazeem to do a comedy tour. I am super excited and I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you what a huge fan I am! I am a citizen of both Bangladesh and Australia - which is such a coincidence because your family used to own both those countries. We are practically related, if you think about it.
I have been really disappointed by how the media has treated you over the years. They always talk about you like some dumb brat who has done nothing to deserve the life you have. Is it your fault that you are special? These are the same bleeding hearts and hippies who think Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are bad for little girls, and that the Tintin in the Congo book was 'racist' because of how they drew black people.
When you were 17, everybody made a big deal about you getting busted smoking pot and drinking alcohol. What 17 year-old hasn't? And besides, as punishment your dad made you go to a rehab centre for a day to talk to recovering addicts. I'm sure that was a really special experience for them and you, and I'm sure you never, ever touched drugs or alcohol again because you would think of those poor people you met and just feel terrible. I think meeting a Prince really would have made them think about the bad decisions they had made in their lives. It's like the time your brother William went and met with homeless people to hear their stories and give them hope. After meeting him, they would have all realised that one day, if they just dream hard enough, maybe they might also live in a palace! I think people are jealous of you and the difference you make to the world, and that's why they criticise you so much.
People are so mean to you, Harry. But every now and then somebody gets what they deserve. When your art teacher said that she was forced to help you cheat in high school, she got fired, and rightly so! Snitching is never justified, especially against a Prince.
Some people have even called you racist. Just because you dressed like a Nazi. ONCE. Just once. It's not like you do it every day! Sometimes people call me racist because I make jokes about white people, so I totally know how you must have felt. I think it's a sad, sad world when a prince cannot dress in the uniform of a fascist movement just for a bit of fun. And nobody even bothered to mention how handsome you actually looked in the costume - just like a real kid from the Hitler Youth! Very accurate and authentic. Most people would have picked some lame costume like an animal or a superhero, but you actually tried to reference a political movement that genocided people, just like your ancestors did for years and years. Genius.
They called you racist again when you became a soldier and went to Afghanistan. First of all, I think it's really brave of you to fight for your country. I'm sure the people of Britain feel a lot safer knowing that if anyone attacks their country, you will be flying an Apache helicopter to protect them against terrorists, aliens, or anyone else. When you joined the army, a video came out of you calling people 'paki' and 'raghead.' At first I was shocked, but then you explained that the guy you called 'Paki' was your friend and you only meant 'raghead' when you were talking about terrorists. PHEW! You are totally not a racist! I don't know if you killed anybody in Afghanistan, but I'm sure if you did they completely deserved it. Did you take your Nazi costume with you? You must have partied with your regiment, and it seems like a bit of a waste to wear something like that just once.
I love how you met Usain Bolt in Jamaica and beat him in a race! And you wore a Jamaican uniform as well! To most people it was a silly 'media stunt', but I know you were actually making a sophisticated comment on white privilege and the legacy of colonialism. You were showing the world that even though Usain Bolt is a superior and more talented human being to you, being rich and white means you could easily beat him in many ways without needing actual merit or skill. It's nice that you hung out with him even though he kind of has a raghead-sounding name. I think if Sacha Baron Cohen wants to know how to do real political satire, he needs to hang out with you more.
I don't care if you play pool with naked girls Harry. Don't listen to the internet haters! Everyone secretly wishes they were the ones playing naked pool in Vegas.
I will be doing my comedy show in Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Cardiff and London and I really hope you can come. Please wear your Nazi costume so we can get a photo together and show everyone that you are not racist and some of your best friends are Pakis!!!
Aamer Rahman (Fear of a Brown Planet)
For Prince Harry's information, here are Aamer & Nazeem's tour dates: 16th September in Manchester, 17th September in Leicester, 19th-22nd September at London's Soho Theatre, 24th September in Birmingham and 26th September in Cardiff. Get your butler to book tickets here